A Conversation Between Me and Auto-Correct while I try to compose the following Text message to my colleague before a breakfast meeting: “Tom is here. Want us to grab some tacos?”
Auto-correct: Tomato, right? You are going to type “Tomato?”
Me: No. I mean Tom.
Auto-correct: Oh, Tom. Like the man’s name?
Me: Yes. Is it genuinely more common for people to begin a sentence with “Tomato”?
Auto-correct: There’s no one in your contacts named Tom, so I didn’t know you knew anyone named Tom.
Me: So you went straight to “Tomato…”
Auto-correct: Technically it’s more likely.
Me: Okay. Well let’s go with Tom.
Auto-correct: Aight. But I’m gonna underline it.
Me: It’s a common name!
Auto-correct: You should put this “Tom” in your contacts.
Me: I do. It’s under Thomas.
Auto-correct: Those are not the same.
Me: Tom is here. Want…
Auto-correct: Did you mean “Wan”?
Me: Wan? Is that a word?
Auto-correct: Wan: (of a person’s complexion or appearance) pale and giving the impression of illness or exhaustion.
Me: What was wrong with “Want”?
Auto-correct: Nothing. I just wanted to double check.
Me: But you just changed it. That’s not checking, that’s correcting.
Auto-correct: I needed to catch your attention to make sure that you didn’t embarrass yourself.
Me: By accidentally typing “want” instead of “wan?”
Auto-correct: Would that not have been embarrassing?
Me: Not really.
Auto-correct: Noted. But just to make sure, the next three times you type “Want” I’m gonna change it to “wan.”
Me: Fine. Just let me get this text typed.
Me: Tom is hetw…
Auto-correct: Tom is vaulting?
Auto-correct: “Hetw” is not a word. I thought maybe you meant “vaulting.”
Me: So I hit two wrong letters right next to the “r” and the “e” and you thought that instead of “here” I was going for “vaulting.”
Auto-correct: Was I wrong?
Me: Yes. I meant “here.”
Auto-correct: The only things I change to “here” are “her” and “hear.”
Me: Tom is here. Want us…
Me: Ah! Why the caps?
Auto-correct: US is the AP style abbreviation for United States.
Me: I know. I’m a journalist.
Auto-correct: I know. I thought you would appreciate it.
Me: I’m talking in the first person plural. Can I please use the pronoun?
Auto-correct: American first, man.
Me: Tom is here. Want some tacos…
Auto-correct: I HAVE AN EMOJI FOR THAT!!! LOOK AT THIS GREAT TACO EMOJI!
Me: Okay. I’ll add the emoji onto the end.
Auto-correct: I’ll replace the word tacos with the emoji.
Me: No! I want the word too.
Auto-correct: Why? That’s redundant.
Me: I want to make sure he gets what I’m saying. I’m trying to avoid miscommunication.
Auto-correct: What’s confusing about a taco?
Me: Nothing. But I want the word in there too. Tacos.
Auto-correct: Okay. Now you can add the taco emoji.
Auto-correct: Look how cute it is if I change it!
Me: AH! No. Tacos. The word. Tacos.
Auto-correct: Geez. Fine. Do you want to add the emoji?
Me: No. Forget the emoji.
Tom is here. Want some tacos?
Auto-correct: Ready to send.
Me: Yes. You aren’t going to change anything when I push send?
Auto-correct: No. All done.
Me: Okay, send.
Auto-correct: Tomato is herring. Want some racism?
Me: WHAT? What are you doing?!?
*texts frantically* Tom is here. Want some tacos? *send*
Auto-correct: Tomorrow has hernia. Wan something macho.
Me: AH! Stop it. I’m texting my boss and you are embarrassing me.
Auto-correct: Oh your boss? Sorry. I had no idea. Let me go into boss-texting mode.
Me: Thank you. I just got this job and I’m trying not to screw up.
*texts slowly and deliberately* Tom is here. Want some tacos?
You won’t change it if I push send?
Auto-correct: Hey Baby, vagina vagina. Big horny?